That sound you hear on top of the holiday music in all the malls is the satisfied murmurs of women across the country who have settled down with eggnog and a good book.
We do this because we have finished even the last-minute items necessary for Christmas. We are ready.
You, gentlemen, are not.
This is why I am here to help. Every expert in the matter of retail therapy states most men do their requisite Christmas shopping the week before the big day. They can do this because their wives have taken on the task of buying for everyone else. So most men are left with a single person for whom to shop — their significant other.
Why am I qualified to give advice? Because over the course of many, many years, I have been the recipient of well-meaning, but inappropriate gifts, including everything on the following Do Not Buy list.
Herewith, the list of What Not To Buy Her For Christmas:
1. Cheap lingerie. Unless the only purpose of buying skimpy under things is to remove them immediately, consider the words “cheap” and “lingerie” incompatible. Beautiful, wearable lingerie comes with a hefty price tag which goes to pay for the real silk, satin and handmade lace that has been carefully put together to accomplish the seemingly impossible task of being sexy and wearable at the same time.
There are rules: If it feels scratchy in your hand, consider its effect on your significant other’s nether regions. Anything modeled on a string bikini is not a real pair of panties. There are colours available other than black and/or red. Ivory silk or pale green satin are particularly fetching.
2. Appliances or anything that comes with a plug attached. Anything that says “housework” is not a gift, it's a warning to her. If you absolutely must have a new washing machine or toaster or iron, put it under the tree as a gift to the house from Santa.
Buying the love of your life a blender tells her there’s a future where you will stop calling her by her first name and start calling her “Mother.”
The corollary of this bit of sexism does not work. Men love power tools to distraction. My husband cannot remember who bought the expensive silk shirt and hand-woven sweater (I did) but remembers that I gave him a cordless Black & Decker drill the same year.
3. Gift certificates. They’re practical, easy to wrap and limited only by their face value. Stores love them. They represent a guaranteed sale with no hassle about returns.
But, exactly how difficult it is to buy a present for your loved one? Keep the receipt if you're worried she won’t like it.
Gift certificates, unless they’re for a day of pampering at a spa or for a two-week Caribbean vacation, show you couldn’t find the time or effort to pick something out for her. Why not just give her an envelope of cash? (Okay, that was sarcasm.)
There is a single exception to this rule. Gift certificates made by her children’s hands for breakfast in bed or household chores or for an hour’s uninterrupted free time — none of which will cost the kids anything but thought and execution — will make her heart melt.
4. Wrong sizes and/or one size fits all. Want to know what size of clothing your partner wears? Look in her closet at the waistband of her favourite skirt or the inside neckline of the shirt she wears more than anything else. Ask her sister. Ask her best friend. Heck, ask her. She’ll know what you’re doing and will pretend she doesn’t.
There’s a significant difference between size and fit. You can’t be responsible if something doesn’t fit properly, but buying a size 2 woman a size 12 dress is a recipe for tears. Ditto the opposite.
Do not ever believe the statement: one size fits all. It doesn’t. The only exceptions are beach cover-ups, cotton Japanese robes — called yukatas — and gold bangles and the matching earrings. Don’t even think about one-size pantyhose.
So, what can you buy her for $10 or $100 or $1,000 or more? Anything that shows you had her in mind at the time. Her name engraved on the outside of a locket or on a new hospital wing. One perfect rose or the entire conservatory. (Or, as Dorothy Parker wrote: “One perfect limousine.”)
And, finally, wrap it yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to say: “Merry Christmas. I'm thinking of you.”
