I recently did an interview on CBC Radio on a show called “Now or Never”. They’ve been featuring the theme “What Have You Stopped Doing?”
It’s a series based around the impacts of COVID-19 on peoples’ businesses, passions, habits (good or bad), and lifestyle etc. I had a really great (and heavy) chat with Trevor Dineen about what I’ve stopped doing lately - and my answer to that was: music.
Crazy right? Music has been my everything for over a decade and here I am, walking away.
It’s hard for me to tell if this was triggered by the lack of live-show opportunities (due to COVID), if it was (is) postpartum depression related, if it’s a shift of passion, or if it’s just a natural progression of life.
The cause is unclear to me - and honestly, it’s equally as unclear to me what lies ahead.
There’s a part of me that wants to believe it’s not the end. That I just need some time away and it’ll heal the injuries I’ve endured from investing myself entirely and coming up short of what I wanted.
Conversely, there’s another part of me that feels I’ve known this was coming for a while and chose not to acknowledge it.
And then there’s most of me that hasn’t the slightest idea what to think.
As it stands right now, I am just completely unable to see anything for myself and my path with music. So, I’ve drawn the conclusion that there is no path.
This decision process hasn’t been easy for me (the understatement of the century). It’s been an indescribable heartbreak, that is still very painful to talk about. Even writing this article is difficult, because every time I have to tell people this is happening it makes it more real, and reminds me of all the dreams I had that are going unfulfilled.
I feel (hope) that one day, I’ll be able to look back on this chapter of my life and have some understanding of how music has been a critical and meaningful part of my life-story. Something that served purpose or held significance somehow. I’d also love to believe that perhaps I made some raindrop’s worth of impact in someone else’s life or listening experience.
I’ve always believed that there is meaning behind experiencing a heartbreak - granted, I expected this heartbreak to be caused by a breakup with a boyfriend or something. But life did that thing where it never plays out the way you expect and instead I’m going through the biggest heartbreak of my life while very happily married.
And thank goodness, because that means I have the support of my best friend while I go through this crazy emotional muss, and he can help me salvage the remnants of my sanity.
I have inexplicable gratitude for the infinite support I’ve received from the Foothills community for the duration of my pursuit of music. I can’t thank you enough for all the shows you’ve sold out, the CDs you purchased, and the endless words of encouragement and enthusiasm.
Thank you so much for being there every step of the way. I am incredibly grateful.
